What Does it Take to Get to “New Normal” After Breast Cancer?
How often have you heard people talk about the “new normal” after a breast cancer experience?
The term is thrown around like it’s a reward you are magically granted for getting through various steps of the cancer process.
As if cancer recovery and survivorship are things that just happen to you, like a train ride with a beginning and end and a few unpleasant stops along the way.
“First stop? Diagnosis (zero stars, wouldn’t recommend).
Next stop (or two or three or more)? Surgery and treatments like chemo and radiation (lots of reviews with very low ratings).
Last stop? You have now arrived at your destination. CONGRATS! Welcome to the long awaited New Normal!”
Unfortunately this couldn’t be further from the truth.
It’s often more like getting off the train to realize that instead of arriving at Disney World you’ve ended up at the county fair with rusty rides, drunk clowns, and overpriced games with dying goldfish as your prize.
What if it could be different though?
You may have already been on these tracks for a while (or you may be just getting started), but I hope to give you a unique perspective and stronger foundation on which you can build YOUR new normal after breast cancer.
Ready to dive into a behind-the-scenes look at what goes into CREATING a new normal you can actually look forward to and enjoy?
Always remember that your new normal starts with YOU, as you are NOW.
If you've been finding yourself dwelling in the past, missing who you used to be before cancer came calling, you may need to challenge that desire to return to who you were.
In fact, you might have to do just the opposite and let go of her, so that you can embrace who you ARE.
Holding onto the past after such a life-altering event - especially when it's one you didn’t ask for - has the potential to limit you from moving forward.
Now, if you are feeling this way, please know you are not alone.
A breast cancer experience changes more than just your body.
Cancer takes away any feeling of safety (or at least ignorance) in your body.
Deep “what if” fears settle into every corner of your mind.
Becoming a patient instead of simply a person takes away your idea of control.
It makes sense to want to return to a more familiar time and version of yourself.
But ask yourself, can I really still be exactly who I was before all of this?
And is trying so hard to hold onto her helping me or hurting me?
The new normal is different for everyone because YOU are different from anyone else.
But you are now also different from the “you” before cancer and what if that is ok?
Of course there will be things you want to change, things you need to heal, both on the inside and outside.
But there may also be opportunities to evolve, to adapt, to grow.
Most people have heard of post-traumatic stress but there is also something called post-traumatic growth and the difference between the two can be everything.
I know this part doesn’t come easily (it takes way more than mindset to move through grief, anger, and fear towards hope) but there are lots of ways to find support that can help you on this journey.
Hint: I have another post on breast cancer support and mental health over here.
And embracing the truth that life has to be different because of breast cancer is not the same as rejecting the possibility that life can be as good (or maybe even better) despite breast cancer.
It is this parallel thinking that offers the first layer of building your new normal.
Meet your secret resource for getting there quicker: the Inner Nurturer.
I am happy to say that over the last 6 years I have created a new normal that I am not only comfortable with but actually LOVE, and it’s my internal work that directly influences my ability to heal and thrive physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Here are three things that I attribute my current well-being to :
Reflection: looking at what I’ve been through and who I am without judgment
Curiosity: exploring how where I am can be enough while still leaving room for more
Self-Love: letting my inner nurturer take care of me so I can take care of myself
Let me go into these a bit deeper.
REFLECTION
By stepping out of the gap of “where I am vs. where I want to be”, and instead reflecting on how far I’ve come, I am able to create positive feelings about myself and my current situation, no matter how far I still have to go.
This concept is called “the gap and the gain” (also the title of a great book!) and can really help to set the stage for a quicker new normal.
CURIOSITY
Curiosity has gotten a bad rap ever since that damn cat got up to some mischief and died.
But curiosity, when approached with intention and purpose, actually is the catalyst for reflection, optimism, and courage.
By approaching where we are, and where we might get to, with curiosity, we begin to find the action steps that move us forward to where we want to be.
SELF-LOVE
To me this is the most important piece.
We first recognize love as safety in our infancy.
The feelings of being cared for by our parents, of being held, fed, and soothed is what validates us and our worthiness as beings when we don’t yet have the cognitive ability to define love.
And maybe this is why as adults we often seek love from external sources and can be sadly lacking in love from within.
I can remember many times in my adult life, facing life-changing and traumatic events, turning to a form of self-soothing to ease my fears and pain.
An internal monologue of “it’s ok baby girl, I love you, you’re going to be ok” would softly enter my mind on repeat in the hardest moments.
Sometimes I would voice this out loud with arms wrapped around my chest, possibly crying in the shower or buried under a blanket, but always with the recognition that if no one else could do it for me in that moment then I needed to do it for myself.
This ability to draw on soothing self-love created a sense of safety that stabilized me.
After years of this voice coming to me when I needed it most I discovered that I have an “inner nurturer” - a divine love that not only comes from within me but is made of, for, and by me - and it is my belief that we ALL have this within.
You just have to know how to find it.
Have you ever taken time to consider your source of self-love? Is it present and sustainable?
Don't be afraid to call on your inner nurturer when you need support in your recovery and survivorship.
(Haven’t yet met your inner nurturer? Keep reading I’ve got you covered!)
Some advice from April Stearns, founder of Wildfire Magazine, and Kate Winslet
You probably know by now that I get by with a little help from my friends (after all no woman is an island).
My dear friend and badass business woman (and breast cancer survivor) April Stearns has some critical advice for all of us. She says, you’ve got to believe in your “main character energy”.
What does that mean?
While I’ve heard her say this before, she referenced it again in her recent weekly email as she described watching one of my favorite movies, “The Holiday”!
April does a much better job of describing it (because, well, writer) but basically Kate Winslet realizes she has been taking a backseat in her own life, playing the role of best friend instead of leading lady in her relationships and even with herself.
And how can anyone live the life they truly want if they aren’t seeing themselves as the star of their own show?
What kind of new normal is based on someone’s else’s life? Or someone else’s recovery plan? Or the rate at which someone else healed?
Not the one that is going to work for YOU.
This is YOUR new normal and you have to be an active participant in creating it, not just along for the ride!
It just so happens that the upcoming issue of Wildfire Magazine is, you guessed it, NEW NORMAL. Check out the cover reveal here.
Don’t think of your new normal as an endpoint.
People mean well when they say - oh so you’re good now right? You’ve found your new normal? - but this type of talk is another thing that's actually holding you back because it implies that you’ve “arrived” at the elusive destination you were seeking and that everything is tied up with a neat little bow and that’s that (brushes hands back and forth).
The truth? “New Normal” is actually an ever-evolving state of being because WE ARE EVER-EVOLVING HUMANS!
This is why it’s important to have others in your circle who can relate to what you’ve been through.
Even if they aren’t part of the cancer crowd, keep people close to you who understand that you are not the same as you were and that you probably won’t be the same as you are now in another year, two, five, ten, etc… and that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing!
When you're feeling stagnant, behind, or stuck, keep these (paraphrased) words from April Stearns in mind:
“The New Normal is really just the post-diagnosis balancing act of having one foot in Cancerland and one foot in LIVING!”
You’ll need a combination of patience and action.
Finally, just because you may not have yet hit all of your goals in post-diagnosis life doesn't mean you can't continue to make progress.
What it does mean is you need to embrace two contradictory concepts: patience and action.
Patience is a must because as much as there are things you can control, recovery and healing isn’t linear and it does take time, often more than we’d like.
And exercising patience will make it easier to accept where you are at in your journey, even if it’s not perfect.
As for action (ACTION!), playing that leading lady part means you get to step up and have a say in what happens next!
Ready to take action?
Because I know how important self-love is to healing and acceptance (i.e. the new normal), I am giving you my signature audio meditation, “Meet Your Inner Nurturer” for free (really, free!)!
Use it anytime you want to access a feeling of peace, safety, and self-love in life beyond breast cancer.
Alright it is time to wrap it up!
So, what does it take to get to your new normal after breast cancer?
Well the TLDR (that’s too long didn’t read for those like me who are not at all hip) is:
Your new normal is NOT a destination but a way of being that you can help create!
Loosening your grip on your pre-diagnosis self can make room for who you are now and who you will keep becoming!
You have a secret weapon of self-love within you via your inner nurturer!
You are allowed to be and should strive to be the main character of your life and survivorship!
Your new normal is a combination of balancing patience and action, post-diagnosis life and LIVING!
I hope you are well on your way to creating a new normal that can be better than you ever hoped for but if you're struggling with settling into your body and life as you are now, then I am here for you.
Take that first step of creating your new normal by meeting your very own inner nurturer.
I hope this post has been helpful!
Any questions? Comment below or shoot me a DM on Instagram and don’t forget to check out my previous posts here on The Sunday Self-Care Chronicles!
NOTE: The Sunday Self-Care Chronicles and all content written for Amy Hartl, LMT and As We Are Now LLC is written from my perspective as a cis-gendered white woman. Because this is my lived experience and what I know and can speak to, and because MOST people diagnosed with breast cancer are assigned female at birth (AFAB), I often use terms like “she, her, woman, etc..” However I recognize that breast cancer does not discriminate by race, by gender assignment or expression, or any other label or identifier that we use in our society. Therefore, this space, my free content, and my online services are all available to you, whoever you are, if you are living with a breast cancer experience.
I am also well aware that many people who are diagnosed with breast cancer will never see an end to treatment. For those still living with breast cancer, especially metastatic breast cancer, life “after” or “beyond” breast cancer may refer to diagnosis vs. an end to treatment but I use this language interchangeably and invite you to apply it how you will to your personal experience.
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